I saw a 1,000 year old oil stain.
It was from ancient Greece.
How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
You will see one later and one in a while.
I was researching about atheism.
Turns out it's a non-prophet organization.
What did Mars ask Saturn?
"Hey, why don't you give me a ring sometime?"
At the job interview, they asked me, "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
I said, "I think we'll still be using mirrors in five years."
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just wanted a bit more space.
Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?
Because they read the reviews- only one star.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
How do moths swim?
Using the butterfly stroke.
Anyone looking to buy a DeLorean? Good shape. Good mileage.
Only driven from time to time.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
What type of book has only characters and no story?
A telephone book.
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escaped from the zoo?
It was otter chaos.
My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.
What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbeeleaveable!
Why did the football coach go to the bank?
To get his quarter back.
I got hit in the head with a can of coke today.
Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.
What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with?
Forgery.
My therapist told me I have problems with verbalizing my emotions.
Can't say I'm surprised.
People are making too many apocalypse jokes.
It's like they think there's no tomorrow.
I had a date last night. It was perfect.
Tomorrow, I'll try a grape.
I don't fear condiments on my food.
I relish it.
Two cups of yogurt walk into a country club. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here."
"Why not?" One yogurt asks. "We're cultured."
Did you hear about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground?
It was a knot-for-profit.
Did you hear about the cheese that's been working out?
Dude's shredded.
A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly.
As you can see, they were Wright.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe!
What's the difference between a man wearing pajamas on a bicycle and a guy wearing a tuxedo on a unicycle?
Attire.
Why can't a leopard hide?
He's always spotted.
Why did the orange lose the race?
It ran out of juice.
What do you call a typo on a headstone?
A grave mistake.
What do you call a shepherd with a bad sense of direction?
Wander woman.
Where do dads store their dad jokes?
In the dad-a-base.
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