Still more from Earl

I saw a 1,000 year old oil stain.

It was from ancient Greece.

How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

You will see one later and one in a while.

I was researching about atheism.

Turns out it's a non-prophet organization.

What did Mars ask Saturn?

"Hey, why don't you give me a ring sometime?"

At the job interview, they asked me, "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

I said, "I think we'll still be using mirrors in five years."

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just wanted a bit more space.

Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?

Because they read the reviews- only one star.

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch a cold.

How do moths swim?

Using the butterfly stroke.

Anyone looking to buy a DeLorean? Good shape. Good mileage.

Only driven from time to time.

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships.

What type of book has only characters and no story?

A telephone book.

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escaped from the zoo?

It was otter chaos.

My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.

What do you call a beehive without an exit?

Unbeeleaveable!

Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarter back.

I got hit in the head with a can of coke today.

Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.

What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with?

Forgery.

My therapist told me I have problems with verbalizing my emotions.

Can't say I'm surprised.

People are making too many apocalypse jokes.

It's like they think there's no tomorrow.

I had a date last night. It was perfect.

Tomorrow, I'll try a grape.

I don't fear condiments on my food.

I relish it.

Two cups of yogurt walk into a country club. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here."

"Why not?" One yogurt asks. "We're cultured."

Did you hear about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground?

It was a knot-for-profit.

Did you hear about the cheese that's been working out?

Dude's shredded.

A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly.

As you can see, they were Wright.

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.

I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

Why do melons have weddings?

Because they cantaloupe!

What's the difference between a man wearing pajamas on a bicycle and a guy wearing a tuxedo on a unicycle?

Attire.

Why can't a leopard hide?

He's always spotted.

Why did the orange lose the race?

It ran out of juice.

What do you call a typo on a headstone?

A grave mistake.

What do you call a shepherd with a bad sense of direction?

Wander woman.

Where do dads store their dad jokes?

In the dad-a-base.