What kind of pet makes the most noise? A Trumpet.
What do scholars eat when they're hungry? Academia nuts.
If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?
Broken guitar for sale. No strings attached.
What do you call an army of babies? Infantry.
Why shouldn't you play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
I child-proofed my house, but the kids still get in.
Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless.
What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the courtroom? "Odor in the court."
Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again.
What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing.
What's a vampire's favorite ship? A blood vessel.
The bank keeps calling me to give me compliments.
They say I have an "outstanding balance."
Where do Polar Bears keep their money? In a snowbank.
Why did the envelope take so long to get ready? It had to get addressed.
Don't worry if you miss a gym session. Everything will work out.
Did you hear about the sensitive burglar? He takes things personally.
A Vick's Vaporub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!
What's the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.
What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.
Where do bad rainbows go? Prism. It is just a light sentence.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.
I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.
Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.
Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.
Do you know where you can buy chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I wish my kids weren't offended by my frozen jokes. They really need to let it go.
How do you measure the mass of an influencer's following? By instagrams.
How does cereal pay its bills? With chex.
Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side.
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