What does a zombie vegetarian eat?
Grrraaaaaiiiinnnns!
I know a bunch of good jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over people's heads.
What do you call a zombie that stir frys?
A dead man woking.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
When I die I want to be cremated.
It's my last chance to have a smokin' hot body.
How do you keep a bagel from running away?
You put Lox on it.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey.
I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was like, OMG.
Why was the math book crying?
It had lots of problems.
The average person is really mean.
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
Swords will never be obsolete.
They're cutting edge technology.
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
Turns out customers don't appreciate it when you go the extra mile.
Why do peppers make such good archers?
Because they habenero.
Where is a fruit's favorite place to go on vacation?
Pear-is!
Humans are born with four kidneys.
When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.
I used to run a dating service for chickens.
But I was struggling to make hens meet.
What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?
A private tutor.
I just got a promotion at the farm.
I'm the new CIEIO.
Why do dads tell such corny jokes?
They want you to groan up.
Who was the fattest knight at King Arthur's table?
Sir Cumference.
Why do bowling pins have such tough lives?
Because they are always getting knocked down.
What runs around a baseball field but never moves?
A fence.
Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
What is the easiest way to get a squirrel to like you?
Act like a nut.
How do you get a country girl's attention?
A tractor.
What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath?
Bubble 07.
What do computers eat for a snack
Micro-chips.
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